My quarter life crisis and the SIGN!

My TEACHING wake-up call.

 Things over the last few weeks have been challenging, emotionally draining and thought provoking. To say I have spent the last 4-5 weeks over-thinking everything minute of the day, would not be a lie. I have, for quite some time, been doubting my career choices, relationship choices, and my own abilities and confidence. Let's say...I have begun experiencing a quarter life crisis. 

Don't laugh-it's real. 

My previous post was completely about restoring a relationship with someone who meant a lot to me because they encouraged me to pursue my childhood dream of singing. I became so reliant on his companionship that I failed to see some major problems in our relationship and when these problems just could simply not be overcome, I would fall into this loop of thinking that I needed him in order to be happy-as he encouraged that dream. What I failed to realise was that whilst he encouraged one area of my life,  I began to forget the other areas. 

I became consumed to the idea of singing again. He thought I should pursue it, and hey-it was my childhood dream-AS IF YOU WOULDN'T GIVE IT A SHOT IF SOMEONE CONSISTENTLY ENCOURAGED YOU. This guy knew exactly what to say all the time-he was amazing with words and I became convinced he wanted what was best for me, so why not listen to his advice? His words soon began to shape my mind in more than just singing though. I know deep down he did not mean to, but he had this amazing ability to make me feel like the worst kind of a person. I couldn't stand it any longer and I finally put an end to that part of my life. I couldn't let myself believe I was a bad person OR that I was one of those women who needed a man to feel good about herself. This then made me feel that I should try to prove to him that:

'Hey guess what? I can get on with singing without you! Watch me!' 

AND I finally got that opportunity. Straight away I was contacted by an amazing established songwriter and within a week we wrote a brilliant song that was to be released on iTunes...but for some strange reason, I still hadn't got that feeling, the feeling of satisfaction that I was hoping for.

 Something was wrong. It wasn't that I couldn't do it without that man, in-fact I had clearly proven that I could do it and MUCH quicker than with him-but why didn't I feel like my childhood dreams were finally coming true? Stupid quarter life crisis was screwing with me big time now.

 So here came the 'aha' moment. I saw a TPL (teacher professional learning course) that was with one of the most prestigious and influential Drama teachers in Australia and knew instantly I needed to apply to it.
And so I went...

 'Yay...a Saturday course! This is going to be fun...NOT!' 
 I thought to myself as I set my alarm last night. How wrong I was. Not only was this course the most insightful TPL I have done, but it also provided me with the sign I have been waiting for, a way to get out of the rut of this quarter life crisis. We covered everything from 21st Century learning to Project based learning to essay writing all through practical activities that will not only help gifted students but also IEF students and other students with learning difficulties-AND IT WAS ALL THROUGH DRAMA ACTIVITIES AND CONCEPTS! We Drama teachers have known for quite a long time that we are always leading the way with PBL and 21st C learning (mainly because of what our subject is about) but it was definitely amazing to hear it re-established from a leading educational practitioner who was teaching the course. 

THEN the sign happened.

For awhile now I have questioned the road I have chosen in life and today, I finally got the sign I have long been awaiting. I have always felt concerned that my love of singing fell into the background with my love of teaching and have always wondered if I should focus on both, or only one. The course teacher (the amazing and inspiring lecturer-my idol of teachers) who I have only ever met once before knew who I was and complimented me in the most unbelievable way when presenting me with a certificate at the end of the course. He told me that I was 'the hero of drama teaching in Western Sydney and that I am doing wonderful things and will continue to do wonderful things'. 

WAAAAHHHH???? 

*shock face*  

Don't say anything stupid. 

I didn't know how to respond-I literally muddled my words and felt teary. How could this person who is a genius of the teaching world know about little old me and say that to me? Through a very teary emotional phone call to my best friend straight after I left the course-it finally hit me-this is what I was meant to do. I love singing and I always will, but so much in my life lately is leading me down the teaching path. I may not be making my mark with my voice in terms of music-but I am still making a mark and in a way I never ever thought I would-through my students. Finally I got my sign, and finally, I see.
 

So what happens now, I don't know. Do I still release that song? Maybe-but maybe just for fun. I might just put it on YouTube for free-for pleasure-to remind me I achieved that. I don't know. What I do know is that my mind has become clearer. I am meant to TEACH. I can still sing and love doing it-but clearly-God has finally helped me by giving me a clearer path. 

The teaching wagon for a LONG time has jumped in front of me when the singing opportunities arrived-that's a sign. If I was meant to be a singer, I would be. I wouldn't have fought with the man who encouraged it and wrote my lyrics all the time-it would've worked out.

Positive Overthinking thought: I am not upset anymore about my failed relationship with that man and I have no regrets anymore about the path I have chosen. You can love and want something (singing) so desperately for most of your life but in time - as relationships change, so can your desires and you may find you are on the road you were always meant to be on-in the career you might've just been made to do all along (teaching).

The Green Eyed Girl xox

My advice for fighting dogs and the similarities they share with us/me.

Have you ever had a week that was poisoned so badly by one experience that it began to consume your mind and control your thoughts? To say that this was a horrible week would be a lie, as being with my family at Christmas was a saving grace, however, this has not been a week that I have enjoyed or would ever want to experience again. My over-thinking brain has made a clear link with the lowest moment of my week with the idea of Dog Fights. Don't ask me why...just go with it lol.

'Why do dogs fight?'

I typed this question into Google to see what kind of serious answer I could find. I had thought about this question a few times lately (once when someone I cared about asked me) but also just in my passing thoughts and the only answer I could come up with was 'instinct' and 'it is what some are bred for'; but surely there was more to it than this. With pleasing results, about.com came up with multiple reasons, but one particularly, stood out to me:

'Two dogs may be the best of friends until something sets one dog off and instinct takes over. This situation is like a ticking time bomb. It may take only the slightest issue to set one of the dogs off.'

Dogs, just like humans, appear to hold grudges and struggle to forgive. How interesting. 

When I continued to scroll down the website I went down to the sub-heading of 'Preventing Dog Fights'. Here was the suggestion for the above scenario:

'Learning how to keep a dog fight from happening in the first place is one of the best things you can do for you and your dog. Understanding the signs of an oncoming dog fight as well as the potential triggers will help you prevent a fight. If you have two dogs in a household that are prone to fighting, it is best to keep them separated until you can work with the situation.'

Maybe this information is not new to anyone reading this blog and I guess it wasn't entirely new to myself either, however, the likeliness that this information was presenting to my current awful week was freaky to say the least. This week I have acted like an injured female dog, fresh out of a fight. I was hurt by another dog that I cared about a little while ago and as much as I wanted to simply get back in the yard with them, I couldn't let the anger go and would just end up fighting with that other dog again-injuring both of us in the process. To stop the fighting, the other dog asks me to retrain myself to forgive them before we attempt to play in the yard together again, but unfortunately this female dog realises the unlikeliness of this situation and decides to remain separated until the wounds have healed.

Being separated from your best friend is no easy task. I had begun to rely on the companionship, his opinion, his 'safety' and simply, HIM. I wish I was like the female dog who felt comfort in the separation with their owners love, but I am left solely with an emptiness of a space that I can't fill or stop thinking about. I know that this is best for our relationship. 

I know that how I was, prevented us from being what we could be.

I just wish my wounds would heal quickly again, so that no more 'regret' will be had now or in the future.

 

 So I have been chained up away from my mate to let my wounds heal. 

Positive over thinking thought: I need to learn not to allow my wounds control my life. I need to allow myself to heal enough that it isn't going to let me assume the worst of people and control my life. I need to learn to TRUST again.

I need to do this for myself. I need to do it alone, not because I don't care about him, but because I care about him and can't continue fighting him any longer in yard - like the dogs.

I am trapped in this scenario and the only thing I have left to deal with it, is my mind. How unfortunate lol. An over thinking drama teacher on holidays with nothing much else to do than be depressed about an unfortunate circumstance that is only going to be healed with time. How appropriate that this picture came up on my Pinterest.

The Doctor Who Christmas Episode fare-welling my beloved Matt Smith was able to distract me for a day, but as soon as the episode was over I was reminded that I can't text that person with my silly nonsense about the Doctor and his TARDIS and how heartbroken I was when the bowtie hit the floor and have him politely let me go on and on supportively over the phone (wow that went on a bit of a rant lol) but instead, I am imprisoned in my mind and locking up these stories to tell him again once I am healed, if by then he will still want me. And that...is my greatest fear. He may not, and I guess, I can understand why.

Positive over thinking conclusion: I am not giving up on him, and if you are reading this please know that I am not neglecting you or intentionally want to hurt you like others have. Although it is difficult to wait (well very much for me), it is worse to regret-and I cannot regret anything else when it comes to you. 

Are school holidays over yet? (Yes I will regret saying that at the end of the holidays) lol I need to focus this brain on something else already!

The Green Eyed Girl xox

Work-Life Balance...? New Teacher Priorities.

Exhaustion vs enthusiasm seemed like the only appropriate title for this blog. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling creative enough to come up with anything else due to the mental exhaustion I am currently experiencing. 

The last few weeks have been, to put it nicely, BLERGH! I received a 'sort-of' promotion in positions at my school (which was very exciting), had reports coming out of every bodily orifice, been organising performance troupes for various after-school events, preparing Drama students for important auditions, helping co-ordinate class arrangements for 2014 AND trying to have some sort of a social life.

The social life seems to be the area I am lacking with the exception of last weekend when I was able to go to The Blue Mountains with some friends from work for a girls weekend away. It was a lovely weekend I must admit! We had some fun with a dead possum named 'Nicholas' (named after our check-out dude from Woolies) which may or may not have involved the throwing of wine corks at his body and his supposed Mothers house. Random it was indeed-but fun, hell yes. It was very nice to be able to just completely switch off from work. I refused to check all work emails until the Sunday night and I must admit that it was a good feeling.

WAIT! Maybe I have just thought of a new title for this blog - 'Work-Life Balance...?'. That is much better! Thank you over-thinking brain-that definitely seems more appropriate. 

My 'work-life balance' is definitely out of whack. Other than that weekend away, I live and breathe school. Everyday I have been getting there from 7-7:30am and staying until 5pm then continuing work at home until 10ish - and that's a normal day! Two days this week I actually worked for 15hours straight on school grounds! Makes me annoyed when people think teachers have it easy. BUT don't worry I wont whinge on here about that. One interesting work event that I feel the need to discuss though was a recent text message I received from a colleague recently. I sent her a message because I was beginning to worry about her as she was looking very tired all the time. Her response to my text, was very unexpected. I'll paste it:

 

This message concerned me for a few reasons:

1.  As IF I am not going to worry after reading that. It seems to me like the few enthusiastic younger teachers that begin in our profession jump right on in and volunteer for everything-or sometimes don't even volunteer but just get given extra jobs - MAINLY BECAUSE THE OLDER ONES JUST WON'T! I was the same but not everyone can cope and it concerns me that this might be the reason why the expected new teacher career length is now only 3 years before moving to another profession.
2. Why did I leave it so long to message her? Obviously this has been building over the entire year and it's very concerning that she is only in her first year of Teaching and is already feeling overwhelmed. Being still reasonably new, why didn't I notice earlier and help before it got to this stage? And more importantly, why didn't the older teachers or members of staff notice and say something?
3. Whilst I am flattered she thinks I am organised and know what I am doing all the time, I feel horrible that she is under this impression. I had to learn everything step by step just like she will-but I asked when needed help AND I still struggle. I am still learning! So why did she think this? The answer is because of poor communication and mentoring. New Teachers should have to get together and help each out in the first few years of teaching to prevent being overwhelmed. I was lucky to have an amazing old Mentor teacher who would help me in my first year, but still, it would've been better to speak to others my age who were feeling and experiencing the same things I was at that time.
4. I may have been able to advance quickly in my career because of all the things I did-but I did not/still do not have much of a social life and I often question whether I have prioritised the right things.

So I sat down with her and we had a chat after this, but I still over-think the above points.

Positive over thinking conclusion: We spend the majority of our lives at work-so why not do a job you love? I love teaching (probably why I dedicate so much to it) but is it all I want to do? Definitely not. I have always wanted to be known for my singing-not teaching, but while I get to my other dreams, why do a job you dislike in the meantime? I guess I am just lucky that my 'back-up' profession just happens to be something that I love just as much as my dreams. For the new teachers out there who are struggling and who LOVE what you do-SPEAK TO SOMEONE! We have all been there-do not suffer in silence. Do NOT get to a point where you find yourself hating doing what you love. Keep being enthusiastic because you are one in a million! DO NOT become one of the whingers. I am going to ensure that I get back to my 'Work-Free Saturdays' as I need to re-balance-consider doing this also. Set an alarm per night to ensure you don't check work emails after a certain time and just make sure that YOU are coping, because if you are not, you will not be able to give your students the best educational environment they deserve and need to thrive.

My favourite tips to stay inspired:

 

Keep being enthusiastic-have a life-and help each other. You CAN do it. 3 weeks until Christmas Holidays!

The Green Eyed Girl xox